Being Honest With Yourself In Light Of Criticism.

How do we know when other who offer us suggestions for improvement are sincere? We sometime ignore other people’s comments and categorize them as ‘what do they know’, ‘mind your business’, or ‘did I ask for your opinion’.

True, sometimes people talk just to talk and offer their wisdom or thoughts on even the most trivial of matters. A lot of advice or suggestions may come from a well-intended place but often lack the depth to be truly meaningful. 

The Buddha was once quoted as saying’ “Even as a solid rock is unshaken by the wind, so are the wise unshaken by praise or blame.”

 Unshaken doesn’t mean to ignore or get agitated to what someone may have said to us but instead, perhaps offers us a moment to pause and consider our action or behavior. It is to remove ego from our introspection and to look at the intent of what was stated to us.

For example, a guest at a wedding makes the comment that the brides’ hair should be down instead of up and that her hair stylist made her look unattractive on her special day. Is this a necessary comment? Not at all. It’s an unnecessary opinion that has no bearing on either party and the critique is superficial. Consider how the bride or the hair stylist would feel if either one had heard this comment. Their feelings would be hurt.

Now consider another example, as you light up a cigarette after dinner, a dear loved one kindly and with calmness, reminds you that smoking is unhealthy. Of course, you are aware of the health hazards of smoking by now but continue to do so. Do you get angry when this loved one shows concern for your wellbeing?

Perhaps. But when you search inside and remove your ego, you know that you’re not angry with them but instead are upset with yourself.

In any situation, praise or blame, there’s no need to get arrogant, haughty, angry, ashamed, or embarrassed. Instead, be unshakable. In the smoking example, know that this gentle observation was done with love and care for you. Remember, shame and quilt are controlling behaviors.

No matter what you do in life you will encounter both supporters as well as detractors. And supporters and detractors may come from family, friends, or even total strangers. 

There are a lot of examples that could be put in place here instead of a wedding or smoking but the important understanding is when do we need to be honest with ourselves and connect with who we truly are.

Being honest with ourselves is the same as being nonjudgmentally aware of our present surroundings, the essence of mindfulness. And to promote and foster this awareness we begin by returning to our breath.

Breathing in, I know ego is a thin skin easily bruised. Breathing out, I release quilt and walk with gratitude. 

With this simple, yet introspective, mantra we understand that ego is nothing more than a thin barrier to understanding who we truly are within. 

The face you see in the mirror is only a shell, the most recent iteration, of your essence. And when we recognize ego for what it is we may let go of the guilt we may carry thereby walking with gratitude.

I wish you peace and ease,

Vladimir

What We Teach Our Children About Emotions

Promoting Emotional Wellbeing In Children 

I recently read a meme on Facebook, as I’m sure many of us do, that read something like this ‘I act strong for my children but when I’m alone I’m scared and want to cry’. And that got me thinking about how we as parents try to protect our children from any concerns, fears, or uncertainties we may have as parents. After all, as parents we are supposed to have the answers, offer stability, and provide guidance. 

But if we look at this action through mindfulness, we see that this very act of love and protection towards our children may in fact be the opposite of what is best for their development.

Why is that and what do I mean be this?

As mindfulness practitioners we know that feelings come, we invite them to sit with us, and then after a short time, we let them go. We know and understand that fear is living in the future and anxiety is the desire to control a situation. We cannot live in the future, nor may we control every aspect of a situation. We are not being accepting of what is being offered. Remember that ‘accepting’ is not ‘giving up’ but more of an acknowledgment of the circumstances. We may still work towards a more balanced path forward.

The detrimental aspect of our ‘protective’ actions is that this teaches our children that our emotions are shameful and need to be hidden, even from those we love. If you recall from some of my earlier posts and videos, we know that shame is a controlling behavior and does not promote wellbeing. Try to recall your emotions from a situation in your life where you felt the need to hide an action due to shame. As a result, hiding does not teach our children how to handle these new feeling and emotions that they are experiencing, many for the first time, appropriately. This may lead to emotional immaturity as they get older.

As a mindfulness instructor I see this result on a steady basis, adults not knowing how to handle difficult emotions with compassion and care. As a result, many of these adults have significant negative police interactions, relationship issues, and some have substance abuse concerns as well. Mindfulness will help ease their suffering, but it takes love, compassion, empathy, and time. But it will come.

When we allow our children to see how we handle difficult situations that encompass complex or hard emotions with acceptance and loving kindness, we are truly preparing them for stability, emotional maturity, and wellbeing as they walk their path. Notice I have not said our children need to know explicit details of the situation.

These conversations are something that need to be age appropriate. But it is certainly fine to say, ‘mommy had a difficult day at work, and I am mindfully accepting the day’ or ‘daddy and mommy are having a disagreement and we are mindfully working to find balance and harmony’. No specific details were offered of the situation, but an acknowledgment of a difficult situation was given. There was no shame introduced in hiding how you were feeling.

This is teaching our children how to positively accept emotions that may at first seem uncomfortable but as time goes on and they get older they will learn to say, ‘hello fear, I see you. Thank you for visiting but it is now time to leave’.

Wishing you peace and ease,

Vladimir

How Social Norms Control Our Wellbeing

How A Pastor Released Guilt And Shame

Last week my family and I, including my in-laws from overseas, we all able to meet my mother and her husband for the first time. It was such an enjoyable experience for all of us. We rented a home in Florida for four-days along the Gulf of Mexico. Mornings were leisurely consisting of a light breakfast of coffee, fruits and vegetables, rice, and pastries.

After breakfast we would all go to the beach and collect shells, talk, and just enjoy all the beauty that nature has provided us along the oceanside. This was also the first time my daughter met my mother, her grandmother. There were many firsts, and sadly, a few lasts as well. My wife’s parents are elderly and live overseas making this trip potentially the last. This is a mindful moment.

One evening while we sat at the dinner table having coffee and dessert, my mother who also is Buddhist, began to relate to me the first time she went to the Thai temple in the late 1980s. She told me how different it was than what she has experienced at a Christian or Catholic Church. All the different ornamentations throughout, smells of incense burning, and even set-up of the hall was not like she had ever experienced. Overall, it was certainly an enjoyable experience.

But the revealing aspect to this entire experience was how she felt afterwards, a little guilty and a little shameful for going ‘against’ Christianity. How was she supposed to reconcile participating in a non-Judaic-Christian religious service? And that’s where a Pastor came in to help ease her mind.

At the hospital where she worked as an ICU nurse, she ran into the hospitals pastor where she began to relate this experience and her current dilemma regarding her feelings. The kind pastor, with a warm and inviting smile, said to her ‘out of all of the religions out there, Buddhism practices love, kindness, empathy, and compassion towards all beings and is in no way against what Christianity’s message promotes’. There was nothing for her to wrestle within her mind now. This too is a mindful moment. 

But what I’d like for you to consider from this story is one of how society, and that may be any society, uses social norms to keep people behaving in a certain, safe, and predictable way. And that if you stray too far from what is acceptable, feelings of guilt, shame, and unworthiness begin to form and be watered. 

As I’ve talked about before in posts and during my Dharma livestreams, guilt and shame are controlling behaviors because we’ve conducted ourselves in some fashion outside of what is expected of us. And that conduct doesn’t even need to be harmful to others or ourselves to allow these feeling to begin grow.

When we live and follow the Noble Eightfold Path the Buddha has laid out for us, we know that our actions and thoughts are wholesome and positive right from our very intention. So it's important to be aware of when were feeling these controlling emotions. Recognize when we’re feeling them and say to them ‘I see you guilt’, ‘I see you shame’. Thank them for their brief visit and let them go. This too is a mindful moment.

I wish you peace and ease,

Vladimir

Blue Lotus Meditation and Mindfulness Center is a registered 501(c)(3) religious organization.