Shedding Our Shame

Letting Go Of Our Own Controlling Mindset

What is shame?

Before we get into that we need to understand ego.

Ego is the sense of who we are or at least who we ‘think’ we are. For example, we may identify as male or female, Christian, Jewish, Buddhist, conservative, liberal, American, Dominican, French, white, black, Asian the list is endless.

But are you? Is that what ‘you’ are? 

We are no more any one or several of these self-identifiers or emotions than you are entirely any one emotion: happy, sad, angry, jealous, or disgusted or pleased. These qualities are simply attributes we assign to what we see in a mirror.

Consider the chair you’re sitting in. Together it is a chair but if you break it down it consists of 4 legs, a seat, and a back-rest. 

Remove any one of these items and it’s no longer a chair and it doesn't exist. Even though those parts exist they are not a chair.

Ego is a culmination of many qualities, so in essence ego, therefore, the self is non-existent.

We perceive ourselves as fixed or unchanging. Or, in other words we hold onto ego to define ‘us’ and subsequently remain attached to our definition of ‘us’.

Shame supports attachment and the egocentric view we hold about ourselves. 

Now that we have a general or basic idea of ego and ‘us’ let's consider what shame is not and what it is.

Shame is not remorse nor is it guilt. Remorse or guilt means we are sorry for our actions. ‘I’m sorry I overslept and missed your call.’ ‘I’m sorry I hurt your feelings.” 

Shame says ‘I’m not good enough, or I’m unworthy, or something is inherently wrong with me, or I am flawed’.

You are not flawed in your being. You may make mistakes in judgment at times.

If we were to manifest shame as a person they would be considered an abusive person. Someone we would not want to be in a relationship with.

But often in abusive relationships we justify them and remain out of fear. 

In Buddhism there are two words used to consider what we call ‘shame’ in English.

Hri and Apatrapya.

Hri means to refrain from unwholesome actions due to one's own conscience (self-respect).

And apatrapya means to refrain from unwholesome actions to avoid being reproached by others.

Neither one of these definitions relate to the self destructive feelings or views most of us have been taught to associate with ‘shame’.

We can learn to shed our shame.

Instead of being fearful of not being good enough, or unworthy, or that there’s something wrong with you let’s instead invite compassion in.

Compassion is warm, forgiving, and embracing. It allows us to acknowledge what we are feeling without judgment and to explore why we may be feeling these emotions.

Let me offer an example, at one time or another you’ve probably witnessed a parent with a crying or screaming child. Among the many sayings some parents use is the phrase ‘you should be ashamed of yourself for acting this way in public’. 

This is supposed to quiet the child into submission. Children don't necessarily know the meaning of shame but do know the tone, usually condescending, of their parents' voice and that their behavior was bad. 

Maybe they quiet down. Maybe not.

But what seeds are watered in this circumstance?

One of fear and one of poor self-esteem. That the way they behaved, although undesirable, tells the child that there is something wrong with ‘them’ on the inside. And this is not true.

Again, if this were an adult relationship we could consider this emotional abuse.

Another example could be: an adult returning back to school after several decades. Maybe they don’t have a strong support system at home. It’s been a long time since they’ve had to study like back in high school. Maybe they’re uncertain about ‘how to’ study but they still put forth their best effort. 

They take the test and don’t pass. Thoughts of unworthiness and that they’re not good enough begin to form inside their head. And because of an unsupportive family system they don't want to mention to their spouse or children how they fared. They feel shame. They did their best with the tools they had available. There is nothing ‘flawed’ with their being.

So what are some ways we can invite the warmth of compassion into this situation?

When we invite compassion into our being we understand that we are learning or relearning something. We wouldn’t be harsh to an infant learning to walk. At the slightest teeter we’re there with open arms and a warm smile as they develop balance, confidence, and trust. 

The same holds true for ourselves. When we teeter we can be there with open arms and a warm smile as we develop a skill that may be unfamiliar with. We are not flawed nor unworthy, we are learning. We have become attached to the negative thoughts of ‘us’.

You can shed your shame because you are pursuing a noble path.

But what about if you’re a crime victim? This wasn’t a test you were studying for. Here, there was no way any of your actions influenced an outcome. This was an action well beyond your control and perpetrated by someone else. So why feel shame?

Shame here originates from the feeling of something taken away, an attachment, from you without your consent. It’s a violation. Maybe you felt you should have been more prepared. Maybe you feel you shouldn’t have been in that area...maybe this, maybe that, maybe a million different maybes’. Again here, we have become attached to the negative thoughts that protect our view of ‘us’.

So how do we offer compassion towards ourselves in these situations?

The same way as we mentioned earlier. We accept the experience happened but that it can no longer hurt us. Just like when a child falls, the fall is over.

We open our hearts to ourselves this time. Yes, this terrible thing happened to me. I am in a place of safety now. I did nothing wrong. I am not flawed. 

I am not broken. I am deserving of love. I am deserving of joy. I am deserving of wellbeing.

Instead of the negative self-destructing seeds that do not promote well being, these statements of affirmation are the seeds we can choose to water instead.

I am not broken. I am deserving of love. I am deserving of joy. I am deserving of wellbeing.

I hope this helps you move forward with the beautiful life you are given to enjoy. If you need any additional resources, please feel free to reach out to me.

I wish you peace and ease.

Vladimir

Blue Lotus Meditation and Mindfulness Center is a registered 501(c)(3) religious organization.

The Thirty-Three Year Old Grudge

Holding On To The Past To Inhibit Love

Imagine being angry all of the time. What damage must that do to your spirit over the course of an hour? A day? A week? Or, 30 years?

We have often heard that holding onto anger and resentment is like travelling with excess baggage at the airport terminal. It is cumbersome to move around, we bump into people along the way, and we may not get to our gate on-time. It certainly makes for an unpleasant experience moving from one location to another.

Now, imagine holding onto a grudge because of something that happened, not necessarily to you, but within a family. Divorce.

Children and young teens often lack the emotional maturity to realize that whatever is happening between the parents has nothing to do with them. 

Lacking the necessary coping skills, young people often express themselves through unhealthy ways. Violence, sexual activity, stealing, thrill-seeking, drugs, or alcohol may be among these expressions.

All of these actions, and many more, are examples of suffering. 

And as a result, sadly, this all too often extends suffering towards other family members and friends as well. 

In other terms, suffering is labeled as a traumatic experience. And it’s important to remember that trauma is defined by the survivor not necessarily by a specific circumstance.

Sometimes as children mature they 'grow' out of this self-destructive behavior. They've learned to accept the circumstance and to let go of the past so that they may move forward and blossom. 

Sometimes they do not.

It's commonly believed that people need to 'integrate' their trauma to overcome or deal with the experience but that's not true. The traumatic event has already happened. It no longer exists, the danger has passed, but remains in the memory. 

It's commonly believed that people need to 'integrate' their trauma to overcome or deal with it but that's not true. The traumatic event has already happened. It no longer exists, the danger has passed, but remains in the memory. 

The next step, which can be difficult, is accepting that what has happened did happen, and realize it is in the past which can no longer affect us. Acceptance is then followed by letting go, which too can be difficult as well. 

Acceptance and letting go can be successfully accomplished with mindful meditation.   

Imagine a couple divorcing over 30 years ago and one child, now in their upper 40s, still using that experience as justification for their current behavior. 

'I act the way I do in 2021 because of what happened in 1988'

Knowingly causing harm to themselves and others but not seeking the help necessary to stop the suffering that they continuously experience has persisted for decades.

This traumatic event, for this poor child, has been watered and nurtured into resentment and has now manifested as a long-term grudge. 

Long-term happiness, balance, and joy have been replaced with superficial, short-term relationships, low self-esteem, negative police interactions, and perpetual suffering.

This is not a wholesome and balanced lifestyle especially when so much more is out there and readily available.

Sadly, this has been a long, lonely time to carry this baggage in a terminal to not arrive at a peaceful destination. 

So how may mindfulness help relieve this suffering?

When we sit mindfully breathing in, we can say ‘As I breath in I feel my suffering’. ‘As I breath out I walk forward with peace’

The in breath acknowledges and accepts the suffering they are experiencing while the exhale allows this suffering to pass and they may walk forward without continued suffering.

If you know of someone who has experienced a traumatic event let them know that help is available.

I wish you peace and ease,

Vladimir

Blue Lotus Mindfulness and Meditation Center is a registered 501(c)(3) religious organization.

What Is Our True Being

Looking Mindfully Inward.

Who are we deep inside? Are we a complex or  simple beings? Are we still or in motion, always doing?

Consider for a moment water flowing in a gentle stream. You may see small amounts of debris or leaves gently moving along the surface. Maybe you see the small undulations of the ripples. Or perhaps small grains of sand moving along the bottom with the flow. This is the nature of water. Even the stillest of lakes has some movement.

Now, consider if you will, the water in a calm lake or pond on an sunny, windless day. Water fills the depression of the land to a point of equilibrium, a separation of water and land. 

As a result of your perspective, you can see the bottom only near the shoreline but not closer towards the center. 

But even in the depths there is gentle movement. Small currents beneath the surface are present as the sun warms the water. This is the being of water. And this is the being of you and all living organisms.

Even down to the molecular level, the water molecule is vibrating. And this too is the being of water.

Now bring attention to yourself, your being. 

What is your being? Are you doing or not doing? Do you exist or do you not exist? Is it true that you think therefor you are?

When you are walking, you are doing more than moving your feet from one spot to another. You are breathing in. You are breathing out. You are looking, hearing, feeling the air and temperature on your skin. You are observing what is around you. Utilizing your senses you are connecting to the world around you. This is your being.

When you are sitting you are doing more than being stationary. Again, you are breathing in. You are breathing out. You are feeling the pressure of your bottom pushing on the seat. You are thinking, smelling, observing your surroundings. Here too, you are utilizing your senses to connect to the world around you. This too, is your being.

When we look at our actions, no matter how big or small, our thoughts, our words, our emotions, that is our being. And this is our doing. 

We carry our being with us where ever we go and in all of our doings. We are always true to our being, observing mindfully our thoughts, our actions, and our feelings. Not judging them in any way, only observing. Our being is our loving companion as we walk along our mindful journey.

We are more than a collections of bones, organs, skin, blood, thoughts, feelings, and actions. Our being is more than a sum of the physical body we see in the mirror and more than what anyone else may see when they gaze upon us. Or being is loving kindness and therefore extends beyond the physical and into the spiritual which connects us all.

It is with that connection that we all share the same world, the same presence. Much as a single molecule is connected to an entire lake and is no more or less important than another, so too are we. Connected to each other in a meaningful way. 

I wish you peace and ease,

Vladimir

Blue Lotus Mindfulness and Meditation Center is a registered 501(c)(3) religious organization.