Life is like a box of chocolates…full of wonderful surprises, but sometimes we bite into something we may not like. And what you may not like someone else may find joy in. Likes and dislikes are as varied as flowers on the planet.
With this myriad diversity of tastes is where we open our hearts so that we may better understand why someone may have a particular interests or behave in the way they did. We listen with mindful awareness.
Regardless of whether we like what we’ve bitten into, we have learned a valuable lesson. And with the right perspective this too is a positive.
What does it mean to open to others?
Opening to someone else's perspective shows you value them as a living being. It's not necessary that you even like their perspective or action. It's merely the acknowledgment of their existence that's truly powerful. Recall a time when something you said or did that was glossed over with a nonchalant shrug. Did you feel seen or valued at that time?
It shows that you are opening up to vulnerability.
This may be the hard part for most as we often view vulnerability as a weakness. Look at all of the tough guy movies people seem to love. Characters in these fictional stories are often the loner type with a grudge against the world. Ego gets involved and clouds your judgment. Think back to a time when you thought it was 'right' to be unmoving in front of someone else because you felt you couldn't show an imaginary weakens.
How to be open to others?
Empathy. Recall a similar experience (hard or joyful) you faced; it doesn't need to be exactly like theirs. Don’t respond with ‘toughen up’ or ‘if I can do it, so can you’ or similar phrases. Phrases such as these are hurtful and suggest to the listener that their actions or feelings are less than.
Compassion. There’s nothing wrong with someone or yourself in being ‘soft’. Remember, the world is full of suffering. As Dharma and mindfulness practitioners, when we help ease the suffering of others, we help ease our own suffering. We also show compassion by adhering to personal boundaries. If we always say ‘yes’, we may be perpetuating suffering. Listening and not speaking while the other person is talking. Avoid saying ‘you should have / could have’ comments. Instead, if you have insightful suggestions phrase ‘have you tried’ or what works for me.
Avoiding gossip. Gossip perpetuates suffering and is neither nurturing nor developmental to ones wellbeing. Remember 'Right Speech' from the Noble Eightfold Path. When we listen to such talk, we are diminishing the persons experience in favor of a hurtful moment.
In order to understand someone we don’t necessarily need to have experienced the same exact situation as they. In fact, two people that experience the same situation may and often do take away completely differing experiences.
For example, when I was in Marine Corp boot camp, I had an enjoyable experience overall (don't get me wrong, it was still challenging!). Others, not so much and they had an extremely hard time. So, when we want to understand others suffering we need to open ourselves up with empathy and compassion to their experiences without judgment.
So as you bite into each new experience with someone be sure you do so with openness so that you may truly learn and potentially teach from the experience.
Wishing you continued peace and wellbeing,
Vladimir
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