Being Honest With Yourself In Light Of Criticism.

How do we know when other who offer us suggestions for improvement are sincere? We sometime ignore other people’s comments and categorize them as ‘what do they know’, ‘mind your business’, or ‘did I ask for your opinion’.

True, sometimes people talk just to talk and offer their wisdom or thoughts on even the most trivial of matters. A lot of advice or suggestions may come from a well-intended place but often lack the depth to be truly meaningful. 

The Buddha was once quoted as saying’ “Even as a solid rock is unshaken by the wind, so are the wise unshaken by praise or blame.”

 Unshaken doesn’t mean to ignore or get agitated to what someone may have said to us but instead, perhaps offers us a moment to pause and consider our action or behavior. It is to remove ego from our introspection and to look at the intent of what was stated to us.

For example, a guest at a wedding makes the comment that the brides’ hair should be down instead of up and that her hair stylist made her look unattractive on her special day. Is this a necessary comment? Not at all. It’s an unnecessary opinion that has no bearing on either party and the critique is superficial. Consider how the bride or the hair stylist would feel if either one had heard this comment. Their feelings would be hurt.

Now consider another example, as you light up a cigarette after dinner, a dear loved one kindly and with calmness, reminds you that smoking is unhealthy. Of course, you are aware of the health hazards of smoking by now but continue to do so. Do you get angry when this loved one shows concern for your wellbeing?

Perhaps. But when you search inside and remove your ego, you know that you’re not angry with them but instead are upset with yourself.

In any situation, praise or blame, there’s no need to get arrogant, haughty, angry, ashamed, or embarrassed. Instead, be unshakable. In the smoking example, know that this gentle observation was done with love and care for you. Remember, shame and quilt are controlling behaviors.

No matter what you do in life you will encounter both supporters as well as detractors. And supporters and detractors may come from family, friends, or even total strangers. 

There are a lot of examples that could be put in place here instead of a wedding or smoking but the important understanding is when do we need to be honest with ourselves and connect with who we truly are.

Being honest with ourselves is the same as being nonjudgmentally aware of our present surroundings, the essence of mindfulness. And to promote and foster this awareness we begin by returning to our breath.

Breathing in, I know ego is a thin skin easily bruised. Breathing out, I release quilt and walk with gratitude. 

With this simple, yet introspective, mantra we understand that ego is nothing more than a thin barrier to understanding who we truly are within. 

The face you see in the mirror is only a shell, the most recent iteration, of your essence. And when we recognize ego for what it is we may let go of the guilt we may carry thereby walking with gratitude.

I wish you peace and ease,

Vladimir

Shoveling and Driving In The Snow: A Mindful Perspective

 Promoting Wellbeing In Any Circumstance

I live in Minnesota and if you are unfamiliar with what our weather is like in the winter you may be assured it is cold. And snowy. Our temperatures do hover around the -20 C (-4 F) during this time but often get lower and on occasion in the low positives. As you may imagine the state is well prepared to handle what mother nature offers during this season. An abundance of snowplows and road salt and sand are not in short supply. The state does a well enough job to be sure of.

Our driveways, well those are a different story. That task is up to us.

Overnight we were gifted by nature about 35 cm (14 in) of snow. The snow is continuing as I write this too. I have always enjoyed the snow and still do to this day. Ever since I was a young boy, I would always be outside with my friends playing in it. From sledding down a nearby hill, to making snow forts, to snowball fights. I did not easily give in to the cold back then.

The snow was no surprise, it had been forecasted for several days. Looking outside it was a perfect winter landscape, almost like a Bob Ross painting. So peaceful. Very serene. It did not want to be disturbed.

But as with significant amount of snow it is necessary to shovel and clear your driveway. After my morning coffee and breakfast, it was time to begin.

At first glance the amount of snow may seem insurmountable.

But to think that way would be to water the seeds of negativity. It is not Right Thought.

Instead, I choose to view this important task with mindfulness and love.

When we are faced with a task that oftentimes may seem to be hard, time consuming, or cumbersome, we are given a wonderful choice.

We may face shoveling with negativity, “Ugh, I hate the snow and I hate the cold. And I hate shoveling snow’.

Or we may face shoveling with positivity, “How fortunate I am to be outside and how pretty the snow is but I need to remove it from the driveway for my family’s safety in case of an emergency’.

Whatever choice you chose is up to you but with either decision you still must shovel snow.

If you choose the negative mindset, you are more likely to not engage the task with mindfulness and the final product is sloppy.

This would not be Right Though and continuing with this mindset waters thoughts and emotions like criticism and anger. You are not truly living in the present moment because you are busy chastising nature rushing a necessary task.

Whereas if you view this action with positivity, you are cultivating Right Thought and the nurturing thought and emotions such as joyfulness, awareness, and love. You are living in the present moment and completing the task with mindfulness.

The same awareness can be brought to when it comes to driving in the snow. First, you do want to make sure conditions such as visibility are sufficient or that roads are not too icy. Again, you have two options, you can view this as a negative which does not promote wellbeing. Or as a positive which does promote wellbeing. And that is the beauty of what we are offered in life, choice.

And that is also the beauty in what we offer ourselves.

 

I wish you peace and ease,

Vladimir

What We Teach Our Children About Emotions

Promoting Emotional Wellbeing In Children 

I recently read a meme on Facebook, as I’m sure many of us do, that read something like this ‘I act strong for my children but when I’m alone I’m scared and want to cry’. And that got me thinking about how we as parents try to protect our children from any concerns, fears, or uncertainties we may have as parents. After all, as parents we are supposed to have the answers, offer stability, and provide guidance. 

But if we look at this action through mindfulness, we see that this very act of love and protection towards our children may in fact be the opposite of what is best for their development.

Why is that and what do I mean be this?

As mindfulness practitioners we know that feelings come, we invite them to sit with us, and then after a short time, we let them go. We know and understand that fear is living in the future and anxiety is the desire to control a situation. We cannot live in the future, nor may we control every aspect of a situation. We are not being accepting of what is being offered. Remember that ‘accepting’ is not ‘giving up’ but more of an acknowledgment of the circumstances. We may still work towards a more balanced path forward.

The detrimental aspect of our ‘protective’ actions is that this teaches our children that our emotions are shameful and need to be hidden, even from those we love. If you recall from some of my earlier posts and videos, we know that shame is a controlling behavior and does not promote wellbeing. Try to recall your emotions from a situation in your life where you felt the need to hide an action due to shame. As a result, hiding does not teach our children how to handle these new feeling and emotions that they are experiencing, many for the first time, appropriately. This may lead to emotional immaturity as they get older.

As a mindfulness instructor I see this result on a steady basis, adults not knowing how to handle difficult emotions with compassion and care. As a result, many of these adults have significant negative police interactions, relationship issues, and some have substance abuse concerns as well. Mindfulness will help ease their suffering, but it takes love, compassion, empathy, and time. But it will come.

When we allow our children to see how we handle difficult situations that encompass complex or hard emotions with acceptance and loving kindness, we are truly preparing them for stability, emotional maturity, and wellbeing as they walk their path. Notice I have not said our children need to know explicit details of the situation.

These conversations are something that need to be age appropriate. But it is certainly fine to say, ‘mommy had a difficult day at work, and I am mindfully accepting the day’ or ‘daddy and mommy are having a disagreement and we are mindfully working to find balance and harmony’. No specific details were offered of the situation, but an acknowledgment of a difficult situation was given. There was no shame introduced in hiding how you were feeling.

This is teaching our children how to positively accept emotions that may at first seem uncomfortable but as time goes on and they get older they will learn to say, ‘hello fear, I see you. Thank you for visiting but it is now time to leave’.

Wishing you peace and ease,

Vladimir

How Social Norms Control Our Wellbeing

How A Pastor Released Guilt And Shame

Last week my family and I, including my in-laws from overseas, we all able to meet my mother and her husband for the first time. It was such an enjoyable experience for all of us. We rented a home in Florida for four-days along the Gulf of Mexico. Mornings were leisurely consisting of a light breakfast of coffee, fruits and vegetables, rice, and pastries.

After breakfast we would all go to the beach and collect shells, talk, and just enjoy all the beauty that nature has provided us along the oceanside. This was also the first time my daughter met my mother, her grandmother. There were many firsts, and sadly, a few lasts as well. My wife’s parents are elderly and live overseas making this trip potentially the last. This is a mindful moment.

One evening while we sat at the dinner table having coffee and dessert, my mother who also is Buddhist, began to relate to me the first time she went to the Thai temple in the late 1980s. She told me how different it was than what she has experienced at a Christian or Catholic Church. All the different ornamentations throughout, smells of incense burning, and even set-up of the hall was not like she had ever experienced. Overall, it was certainly an enjoyable experience.

But the revealing aspect to this entire experience was how she felt afterwards, a little guilty and a little shameful for going ‘against’ Christianity. How was she supposed to reconcile participating in a non-Judaic-Christian religious service? And that’s where a Pastor came in to help ease her mind.

At the hospital where she worked as an ICU nurse, she ran into the hospitals pastor where she began to relate this experience and her current dilemma regarding her feelings. The kind pastor, with a warm and inviting smile, said to her ‘out of all of the religions out there, Buddhism practices love, kindness, empathy, and compassion towards all beings and is in no way against what Christianity’s message promotes’. There was nothing for her to wrestle within her mind now. This too is a mindful moment. 

But what I’d like for you to consider from this story is one of how society, and that may be any society, uses social norms to keep people behaving in a certain, safe, and predictable way. And that if you stray too far from what is acceptable, feelings of guilt, shame, and unworthiness begin to form and be watered. 

As I’ve talked about before in posts and during my Dharma livestreams, guilt and shame are controlling behaviors because we’ve conducted ourselves in some fashion outside of what is expected of us. And that conduct doesn’t even need to be harmful to others or ourselves to allow these feeling to begin grow.

When we live and follow the Noble Eightfold Path the Buddha has laid out for us, we know that our actions and thoughts are wholesome and positive right from our very intention. So it's important to be aware of when were feeling these controlling emotions. Recognize when we’re feeling them and say to them ‘I see you guilt’, ‘I see you shame’. Thank them for their brief visit and let them go. This too is a mindful moment.

I wish you peace and ease,

Vladimir

Blue Lotus Meditation and Mindfulness Center is a registered 501(c)(3) religious organization.

Your Side Hustle, Balance, and Wellbeing.

When You're Spread Too Thin

How often do we see, hear, or read about someone and their side hustle? Maybe you're a part of this crowd.

Having a secondary or an additional part-time job is nothing new. I've done in my past. In fact, in my twenties I had four part-time jobs as well as attending university full-time. I remember how hard it was to find balance between work, school, and time for myself. 

As I look back now I understand I was not kind to myself as a result. I was in the cycle of doing and acquiring and not really 'doing' as I would describe it today. 

My definition of 'doing' in my fifties is more like The Beatles lyrics to know without knowing, to see without seeing and to do without doing. It's about letting go to achieve more of what is truly important in life.   

But let's think about the word 'hustle'. 

Unless you're a product of the late 70s and are familiar with the disco dance of the same name you probably have conjured up an image of a game of three-card monte, a game of billiards or cards in a shady, smoked filled room. 

Either way, the word hustle doesn't imply peace, calm, or balance. In fact, it has the opposite meaning.

When we have more than one 'hustle' or 'priority' one tends to receive more attention than another. This situation may be manageable in both the short term and long term. But what about three, or four, or perhaps five hustles?

Unquestionably, your wellbeing will begin to suffer. Mindful attention will be lost. The purposeful quality you striving for in each task will be lost. The beauty of life will not be evident. The relationships you are trying to strengthen and provide for will begin to weaken. 

When asked why a relationship is over, very seldom is it said because you are a hard worker and brought in a lot of money but more often the response is you are never here. All in the name of a 'side hustle'.

In the Noble Eightfold Path we are taught about Right Mindfulness and Right Contemplation. When we find ourselves pulled in many, often competing, directions we lose both of these important qualities. We wont achieve the peace, joy, and ease of suffering without all of the steps in the Eightfold Path working harmoniously together. 

If you are working one job while trying to start your own business, that's perfectly fine. One must have an income to survive. 

But if you're working one job and have several different business ventures all the while why trying to balance a family, the quality in all will begin to diminish. 

Mindful attention in your responsibilities will be lost. You will not have the wellbeing you seek. There is also the possibility of losing all.

Instead to help return to the present moment return to the breath. 

Breathe in and say 'my happiness exists right here, right now'.

Breathe out and day 'my wellbeing is built in the now'.

Remember, it's fine to have wonderful intentions of where we'd like to be but not at the expense of today, the here, the now. 

I wish you peace and ease,

Vladimir

Blue Lotus Meditation and Mindfulness Center is a registered 501(c)(3) religious organization.

When Your Pot Is Too Small?

Knowing When You've Outgrown Your Environment

An intrigal part of our personal growth and development is recognizing when we've reached our potential in a certain environment. This environment could be a relationship, a social group, or even a career. In not holding onto a past that no longer offers warmth and development the Buddha gave a wonderful analogy that as a snake sheds its skin so too must we shed our past.

What once started off as a wonderful and loving to grow has reached its limits. It's also important to understand that this cycle of growth is normal and healthy for us. However, when we remain in these environments anxiety, unease, or perhaps even a sense of contempt may begin to manifest within. This is the unhealthy aspect of staying.

How can you recognize when your pot is becoming too small in these environments?

You may begin to develop thoughts of 'why am I still here'? 'I'm wasting my time'. Thoughts of this nature are initial signs and allowing the continued watering of these seeds of negativity perpetuates an unhappy circumstance for all parties involved.

When we are mindful of ourselves and others we know that there may be times where we have outgrown or learned all that a situation has to offer. When we come to this conclusion it's important to approach both with grace and kindness.

Like an Oak tree growing in a pot who realizes their pot is too small, there are two opportunities that we may be grateful for as we make this growth transition. The third option is least desirable as we walk along our path.

The first, being grateful to the current situation. For it is here that you learned to develop into who you are now. You have grown. This is the normal and healthy part of your growth. For example, imagine having the same mindset or views at 50 years old as you did at 20 years old. That would not be a healthy condition to exist with as one would develop conflict with peers their own age.

The second, being grateful for the new opportunity that lies ahead. You may have an idea what this is, or you may not. If this new opportunity has been thrust upon you as part of an unknown event, a layoff for example, welcome it with openness and intrigue. With the right perspective it can lead you to wonderful realizations about yourself. Both of which can lead you down a new and educational path of development.

The third option would be to remain in this limiting environment. This will not be beneficial to your personal growth and development and oftentimes is regressive or destructive towards your mental wellbeing. And just as worse you will make others suffer as your negativity will begin to show.

When the time comes to severing these ties be thankful to whomever you speak to and realize that they have learned from you as well and that this may be a challenging time for them too. We must ease suffering for all involved.

Promoting kindness in all we do, even to ourselves, is an important aspect for our own development and growth and it's a loving action to change our pot.

I wish you peace and ease,

Vladimir

Blue Lotus Meditation and Mindfulness Center is a registered 501(c)(3) religious organization.

Where to now? A Mindful Approach To A New Year.

Approaching The New Year With Mindful Intent.

With the onset of another new year here how do we know where to go? How do we mindfully set out with positivity, self-compassion, and understanding in determining what is right for our own personal growth and development.

Many people set out to make New Year's resolutions with the intent of improving themselves from last years shortcomings. 

The very essence that someone recognizes in themselves that there is an opportunity for growth is such a beautiful realization and should be celebrated. 

Some people don't have this insight while others minimize and write it off.

After many years myself of making goals and resolutions and not achieving what I had set out to do became routine until I approached these growth opportunities with mindful appreciation.

First, consider the deep meaning of the words resolution or goal.

They're both very hard, binary, cold, and unforgiving. They're words used in a business setting and not necessarily appropriate for personal growth.

Instead, I have adopted the word 'intention'. Intention is forgiving, warm, and compassionate. If I am slightly short of what I set out to do I'm allowed to say 'I did my best'.

Whereas if you didn't meet your goal or resolution, you've failed. 

That's very hard on a person and doesn't allow for life to unfold as it will. One lesson in mindfulness is to be kind to yourself.

For example, if you set out to read 10 books this year and sometime in late summer a life event happens that alters your pattern you may find out that you've read eight. 

If you've used the word goal or resolution you've failed in what you've set out to do.

If you've used the word intention you understand that something significant happened over the course of your life and you had to make a caring adjustment. You still read eight wonderful books that you might not have read at all.

Realizing right from the beginning that our very own verbiage we chose to use sets us on a positive, uplifting path or conversely along a path that is hard, cold, and unforgiving.

Secondly, allow for flexibility. No one can see the future, not even into the very next moment. Remember impermanence? 

Impermanence is knowing that all we see, feel, and is in existence will some time in the future not exist. That includes your current state and station as well.

For example, we are still experiencing the effects of COVID and all of it's variants. In 2019 we had no foresight nor understanding as to what 2020 or 2021 would bring. Yet alone what will happen in 2022.

So to gain a more compassionate understanding, here and now, I invite you to reflect on any 'goals' or 'resolutions' that were not able to be fulfilled during those years?

Do you or did you feel that you were a 'failure'? I certainly hope not. 

As challenging as it was, and still is, you were understanding and embraced a sense of openness towards what would unfold the next day.

So in walking along your path towards your own unfolding, continue to embrace this same mindful openness and compassion with your own 2022 intentions.

Happy New Year.  

I wish you peace and ease,

Vladimir

Blue Lotus Meditation and Mindfulness Center is a registered 501(c)(3) religious organization