Mindfulness and the Power of No

Mindfulness and People Pleasing

I often encounter people who think that being mindful revolves around being in a state of amiability to others whims and demands, not sticking up for our own wellbeing, or not offering resistance to doing a task, or someone who never says no. 

Whenever someone asks a mindfulness practitioner to complete a task, they are asking them to donate their precious time to this endeavor. Inherently there is nothing wrong with this as it certainly aligns with loving-kindness but doing too much can bring about anxiety. 

Imagine knowing that every time you see a particular person they do not ask about your day but instead offer more 'doings'.

But consider, what happens when we have difficulty saying no to every demand that is asked of us. Why are we afraid to say no? What could the consequences be if we did say no?

Most often we say yes because we want the other person to like us or that we feel an obligation of some sort even though we have internal reservations about saying yes. 

We people please instead of paying attention to our own wellbeing. We need to be mindful of the feeling inside us. It is there for a reason and as a mindfulness practitioner you know to be aware of it.

When we consider the Noble Eightfold Path we can align several of the tenants to people pleasing, chiefly Right Action, Right Mindfulness, and Right Thought.

Considering Right Action, although the task itself may be wholesome are we doing it without selfish agenda? Will we be completing this task with the care it deserves? We will not be completing this task virtuously but instead with some reservation.

Next, Right Mindfulness, we simply may not complete the task with the awareness or care it deserves. We may complete this task haphazardly which could have negative consequences in the future.  

Lastly, Right Thought, when we agree to do this task we may allow unwholesome thoughts to arise. Thoughts like 'Why am I always being singled out' or 'I do not like seeing my boss any longer'. These seeds of negativity, if nurtured, may grow into something more un-Buddhalike.

Perhaps we know that by saying yes to this task we will spread ourselves thin and we will not be able to complete this task, or another task already started, with the loving kindness it deserves. This too goes against Right Action and Right Mindfulness.

Loving kindness is not about being passive it is about balance. Saying yes all the time will make you the ‘go to’ person, but not in a loving way and this is not a balanced relationship with someone else nor with yourself.

So how do we mindfully reject someone?

When you do have to reject their request, remember to do it with loving kindness and even perhaps offer an explanation as to why you are rejecting the offer. For example, 'Thank you very kindly for considering me for this task but I am sorry I have to say no to this request. Adding more to my workload will result in a poor result'. 

Being honest offers understanding which in turn brings about harmony between two individuals.

Please feel free to post your comments below.

Wishing you all peace and ease,

Vladimir

Blue Lotus Mindfulness and Meditation Center is a registered 501(c)(3) religious organization.