Shedding Our Shame

Letting Go Of Our Own Controlling Mindset

What is shame?

Before we get into that we need to understand ego.

Ego is the sense of who we are or at least who we ‘think’ we are. For example, we may identify as male or female, Christian, Jewish, Buddhist, conservative, liberal, American, Dominican, French, white, black, Asian the list is endless.

But are you? Is that what ‘you’ are? 

We are no more any one or several of these self-identifiers or emotions than you are entirely any one emotion: happy, sad, angry, jealous, or disgusted or pleased. These qualities are simply attributes we assign to what we see in a mirror.

Consider the chair you’re sitting in. Together it is a chair but if you break it down it consists of 4 legs, a seat, and a back-rest. 

Remove any one of these items and it’s no longer a chair and it doesn't exist. Even though those parts exist they are not a chair.

Ego is a culmination of many qualities, so in essence ego, therefore, the self is non-existent.

We perceive ourselves as fixed or unchanging. Or, in other words we hold onto ego to define ‘us’ and subsequently remain attached to our definition of ‘us’.

Shame supports attachment and the egocentric view we hold about ourselves. 

Now that we have a general or basic idea of ego and ‘us’ let's consider what shame is not and what it is.

Shame is not remorse nor is it guilt. Remorse or guilt means we are sorry for our actions. ‘I’m sorry I overslept and missed your call.’ ‘I’m sorry I hurt your feelings.” 

Shame says ‘I’m not good enough, or I’m unworthy, or something is inherently wrong with me, or I am flawed’.

You are not flawed in your being. You may make mistakes in judgment at times.

If we were to manifest shame as a person they would be considered an abusive person. Someone we would not want to be in a relationship with.

But often in abusive relationships we justify them and remain out of fear. 

In Buddhism there are two words used to consider what we call ‘shame’ in English.

Hri and Apatrapya.

Hri means to refrain from unwholesome actions due to one's own conscience (self-respect).

And apatrapya means to refrain from unwholesome actions to avoid being reproached by others.

Neither one of these definitions relate to the self destructive feelings or views most of us have been taught to associate with ‘shame’.

We can learn to shed our shame.

Instead of being fearful of not being good enough, or unworthy, or that there’s something wrong with you let’s instead invite compassion in.

Compassion is warm, forgiving, and embracing. It allows us to acknowledge what we are feeling without judgment and to explore why we may be feeling these emotions.

Let me offer an example, at one time or another you’ve probably witnessed a parent with a crying or screaming child. Among the many sayings some parents use is the phrase ‘you should be ashamed of yourself for acting this way in public’. 

This is supposed to quiet the child into submission. Children don't necessarily know the meaning of shame but do know the tone, usually condescending, of their parents' voice and that their behavior was bad. 

Maybe they quiet down. Maybe not.

But what seeds are watered in this circumstance?

One of fear and one of poor self-esteem. That the way they behaved, although undesirable, tells the child that there is something wrong with ‘them’ on the inside. And this is not true.

Again, if this were an adult relationship we could consider this emotional abuse.

Another example could be: an adult returning back to school after several decades. Maybe they don’t have a strong support system at home. It’s been a long time since they’ve had to study like back in high school. Maybe they’re uncertain about ‘how to’ study but they still put forth their best effort. 

They take the test and don’t pass. Thoughts of unworthiness and that they’re not good enough begin to form inside their head. And because of an unsupportive family system they don't want to mention to their spouse or children how they fared. They feel shame. They did their best with the tools they had available. There is nothing ‘flawed’ with their being.

So what are some ways we can invite the warmth of compassion into this situation?

When we invite compassion into our being we understand that we are learning or relearning something. We wouldn’t be harsh to an infant learning to walk. At the slightest teeter we’re there with open arms and a warm smile as they develop balance, confidence, and trust. 

The same holds true for ourselves. When we teeter we can be there with open arms and a warm smile as we develop a skill that may be unfamiliar with. We are not flawed nor unworthy, we are learning. We have become attached to the negative thoughts of ‘us’.

You can shed your shame because you are pursuing a noble path.

But what about if you’re a crime victim? This wasn’t a test you were studying for. Here, there was no way any of your actions influenced an outcome. This was an action well beyond your control and perpetrated by someone else. So why feel shame?

Shame here originates from the feeling of something taken away, an attachment, from you without your consent. It’s a violation. Maybe you felt you should have been more prepared. Maybe you feel you shouldn’t have been in that area...maybe this, maybe that, maybe a million different maybes’. Again here, we have become attached to the negative thoughts that protect our view of ‘us’.

So how do we offer compassion towards ourselves in these situations?

The same way as we mentioned earlier. We accept the experience happened but that it can no longer hurt us. Just like when a child falls, the fall is over.

We open our hearts to ourselves this time. Yes, this terrible thing happened to me. I am in a place of safety now. I did nothing wrong. I am not flawed. 

I am not broken. I am deserving of love. I am deserving of joy. I am deserving of wellbeing.

Instead of the negative self-destructing seeds that do not promote well being, these statements of affirmation are the seeds we can choose to water instead.

I am not broken. I am deserving of love. I am deserving of joy. I am deserving of wellbeing.

I hope this helps you move forward with the beautiful life you are given to enjoy. If you need any additional resources, please feel free to reach out to me.

I wish you peace and ease.

Vladimir

Blue Lotus Meditation and Mindfulness Center is a registered 501(c)(3) religious organization.